I used to have all these different ideas of what I'd really want out of life. But I've come to realize I'll never meet a man who loves john mayer, wants to travel the world, is a red sox fan is a vegetarian, is good at every single sport and wants to join the air force. What can I say, I started dreaming at a young age. Then high school happened, and just like every other young freshmen girl, I was desperate to meet that football player. But high school wasn't like the movies to me, and I found myself comfortably slipping into that music hallway more days than not. But I'll always remember my first day, meeting a boy who I fell for, hard. No matter what other guy I had a crush on then, I still went back to liking him. But I knew I could never have him, he was taken, and I had never even did more than kiss a guy.
I don't really know what was going through my mind, but when he started paying attention to me during sophomore year, I thought that it was the coolest thing ever. And I really liked him, so I wanted

:)

I'm happyhappyhappy

"If I didn't want to do it, I wouldnt've done it."
- But it's not fair.
"Fair? Who ever said it was supposed to be fair?
I wanted to do it, okay?"
- Okay.

:)

"will you be my girlfriend?"
-"what?"
"yes, no, what?"
-"yeah"
"yeah?"
-"yeah."

122509. woot.

YAY

Got accepted to FSU. Hellllll yes.

new leafs, in winter

I've pretty much dropped all the guys I've ever talked to, ever hooked up with. They're all out of my life, and I'm moving forward. And I like who I'm talking to right now. Super cute, and really sweet. And he's someone different. We're getting to know each other, and it's fresh. I'm surprised. I think I can do this. Keep this going, and not let reputations or my past get the better of me.

different names for the same thing

they all mean the same thing to me. all three quotes scream out the same name that I've been trying to avoid, only because he's better off without me. I would love to take it to the next level, but now he's taken, and I know he's happy without me. but damn, just knowing how I feel around him, I can't let go. no matter what happens with him, I'll always have a soft spot for him. and it really does stink.

Sigh.

It's not that I change my mind so quickly. After years of being hurt, and crying my eyes out, I've realized it's easier to just forget about how you feel, and just go with the flow. Let your emotions hit you, raw. And just live life.

I'm waiting, because I know that our time isn't up just yet.

I honestly Do NOT think that some things aren’t meant to be. If they weren’t meant to be, then opportunity would not have given you a glimpse of what could have been. You can’t just have a sample of something, or someone, and then be completely done with them. I believe that if something is more than good with someone else, then that should be your sign to do something about it. Take a tiny leap, and show yourself that you really do want to be happy. The cards are always laid out, fate is always pushing people together, and giving little hints down the road. It’s what you make of it, what you take out of life, that reallly shows you what you’re capable of. If you ignore those signs, you could miss out on something fantastic. You could miss out on the things that could truly make you happy. Because life is not always trying to get you down, people just lose themselves in the crossfire, or don’t lift their heads to see the beautiful people smiling back at them. It’s a damn shame that more people aren’t in love. It’s not fair that there are people crying their eyes out, thinking the world is collapsing on them just because someone doesn’t want them the same way. There IS someone out there for every other soul, we’re all just waiting in the mix until we get to them.

Yeah.

I hate my life. Cause that'll never happen forreal. And he'll keep movin on to different girls. I'll be in the past.

And yet I still find myself running to him. And pathetically throwing myself at him. What else can I freakin do?

zzzomg

So many sexy juniors. WTF is wrong with me. I need to stop talking to gross guys that I don't even know. I'm not gonna be the girl who hooks up with guys, for late night booty calls. It's not me. It never should've been me...

ick

I feel like I should be ooober sad about recent events. Or I don't know, something. I don't even know anymore. I just want to be alone. And I never am.

Misconceptions

I was sitting here waiting for that big boom. I thought I would run into his arms. He'd be in his uniform, scoop me up, and just lay one on me... Someone call Eisenstaedt, because that kiss would become legendary. It would be history for me and him. And then the doves would fly, and the sun would set... And now I realize that everything in life is not like Hollywood. There was no incredible encounter like I expected. It was pretty anti-climatic to tell the truth. And maybe I'm so uneasy about everything because it's not going the way I planned. Because I actually realize that maybe he didn't even miss me. Maybe he doesn't care about me. Scratch that, I know he doesn't. But I just figured there would be Something. Anything. But right now, there's less than Nothing. It's possible. Just introduce yourself to him. I held on for so damn long, and there's absolutely nothing there. There never has been. Even if he said there was, it was a lie.

And the fact that I am finally understanding this, is how I'm getting over him.

my bffff says

We're in repair, we're not together but we're getting there. John mayer is love! I'm glad you're gettttting there baby!

Love her.

99 red balloons

I don't think I can take this. I've only seen him once since he's been home, but already I'm nervous of what I might not be able to avoid. Trying to contact me is not okay. People are already asking if I'm okay with him here, as if it is such a big deal. I've got a no big deal attitude about everything. But at the end of the day, I'm scared to death. I hate all these other girls that he talks to. And I most definitely hate the fact that he's back. He didn't try to keep in touch with me. And it's not like I was waiting for him or anything, I really wasn't. I just don't want to get sucked back in to this lifestyle of me running to him whenever he calls. And I have a feeling it's what he expects. For once in my life, I want to follow my brain, not my heart.

Not so brief encounter

None of this should've ever happened. But I just don't give a fuck anymore. Honestly, what's done is done and in the past. I've moved on. And I'm staying away. I can say it, and mean it. I just need a little guidance here and there. He's coming back in a week, and I don't care. I don't want to see him only because I don't trust him, or myself, to be alone. Other than that, I am fine.

But I figure it's all for the best. Because things have to get extremely hard before you're able to lift yourself back up again.

Perhaps the irony comes in me thinking I'll get better in the future. Maybe I'm supposed to suffer. And just continue to suffer.

I figured once I told my parents, things would start getting better for me. But all it's doing is adding on extra stress, and just makes me lie to them more. All for a tiny ounce of freedom. Fuck that.

mineeee

am I supposed to pretend like that whole spit wasn't
directed towards me?
after all the time for us that we never had
I thought we had something good going.
We finally had a good start
and baby you shoulda felt my heart
what we had, yeah it was cool
but you can't say I'm not a fool.
So let me take a turn at this,
Everything that I used to diss.

Sure I acted on my own instinct
and took way too much time to think
everything through,
but it's all I could ever do.

You were the fire to my ice
and that was price
less.
I was a mess.
You saved me, helped me out
even when I had my doubts.
There's nothing more I need
than for you to just be happy
cause I know I can't make you like that
you never saw
I'm too much of a wreck
I kept it inside I didn't want you keeping me in check
when all it would ever do
is hurt you.
They say it's complicated
and baby I take the crown
don't say I don't,
just keep me down.
I'm not good at this,
used to be
but now it's a lost art.
Just call it a hit and miss
that hit my heart.

and Baby I'm sick of all these hidden messages
even if I'm missing everything.
Say it isn't directed towards me
It still gives us the same ending.

s-o-r-r-y.