WHAT THE FUCK. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR.

I HATE THIS. I HATE WHAT I'VE BECOME.

You know that I could Use Somebody.

I've realized that I've put so much thought in how to act around him. I've become so concious of myself when I'm near him. Because I want to do everything right. I want to make it seem like I am a laid back, fun person. I put make up on, I dress nicely. In hopes of seeing him. Other guys, Great gentlemen that treat me so nicely. They've promised to be the best guy I've ever met. They swear they're different from the rest of them. And for a second I believe them. But I still end up hesitating, questioning my feelings. Because those guys aren't HIM. I don't get it. I am not myself around him. I am too shy, I don't even think clearly. I'm tongue-tied, because I actually care what he thinks of me. I hate it. The only reason I keep going back to him is because I am physically tied to him. I'll be tied to him for the rest of my life. The fact of the matter is I have to accept that, and move on. Keep on Trying to get away from him. I am a true Gemini. One side of me doesn't care about any of this reasoning. I just like the lust. And the other side is a train wreck. Complete with the screaming wheels and explosion in the middle of nowhere.

Nietzsche

"The crows caw

and move in whirring flight to the city:

soon it will snow-

happy is he who yet - has a home!

Now you stand stiffly,

gazing backwards alas! For how long!

Why, you fool,

did you steal away in the world's winter?

The world - a gate

to a thousand wastelands silent and cold!

whoever has lost

what you've lost, never stops anywhere.

Now you stand pallid,

cursed to the winter wonderings,

like the smoke

that always seeks colder skies.

Fly, bird, rasp out

your song to the tune of a wasteland bird!

-Hide, you fool,

your bleeding heart in ice and scorn!

The crows caw

and move in whirring flight to the city:

soon it will snow,

woe betide he who has no home!"

I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines.

It truly is amazing. I'm not going to move on. My body won't let me let go. It's not rightly fair. But it's a sad truth I've accepted. I've dealt with all the consequences I suppose. Now comes that ever famous healing process. Good luck.

.

how many hearts will die tonight?

& I will see you again. I will see you again, a long time from now..

Please. Do what ever it takes. Make me the bad guy in this situation. Even though I've made it perfectly clear. Just blame it all on me. Hate my guts. I wouldn't mind. Just get over me.