sighsighsigh.

I'm shallow. I'm a flake. But I can't change that. As much as I try, I can't. It's not my fault that I see so many cute guys, and they all like me. It's not my fault that I just want to enjoy life. Have fun. But I can ignore all those other feelings. And just try to stick to one guy. It's the least I can do.

I'll miss you more than you'll ever know

It's the way you look at me, and the way I look back
how I can feel so secure when we're being cheesy
and just hugging
or when we're kissing and you whisper in my ear
baby...
How I'm always falling asleep with you
only because you're oh so comfortable
and you don't mind it one bit anyways.
The way you take everything I say too seriously
and how you wanting to fake fight actually
makes me mad with you
cause baby I don't ever wanna fight.
How we say goodbye, again and again and again
and when it's really quiet on the phone
and we're both trying to use 'that voice'
you know it just drives me wild...

I don't ever want to lose you.

My own personal hell.

And this time I'm not letting any witnesses sway me. I'm putting myself through this. Because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to live life. Because I don't know how to work in a relationship. But I know that I wanted him. More than I wanted my boyfriend at the moment. And I'm a teenager. There are no rules for me. I can do whatever I want. The fact that I feel very little remorse about the situation, and that that feeling diminishes with each passing hour, makes me feel like I didn't do anything wrong. I don't fight my feelings anymore. If anything I take the brain and put it into neutral, take the heart and pop it into overdrive. I'm not gonna ignore the urges or the constant battles in my head trying to make me choose between guys. I'm over everything. I'm fine. I'm moving forward. Not sure where that's gonna leave my boyfriend, but I'm over it. Maybe I'm the kind of optimist who deep down knows it's not going to work.

nobody can save you but
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.

nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?

nobody can save you but
yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.

think about it.
think about saving your self.

- Charles Bukowski

I just can't do it anymore. I can't be with him. I can't kiss him without having someone else's face pop into my mind. As much as I like Patrick, I can't get over Carson. I want to shoot myself. Patrick is the perfect guy for me. In every way shape or form. And Carson treats me like shit. But I want Carson so bad. And I can't pretend to want Patrick anymore. All my feelings keep circling back to Carson. It's lustlustlust slut. But I can't help it. I don't want to be here anymore. It's just not fun. It's not fair to anyone. I don't want to be here anymore. Only Emily's keeping me sane. If I didn't text her, I would've done it already. This is such bullshit.

"To understand just one life, you have to swallow the world. I told you that."

Starfish

This is what life does. It lets you walk up to
the store to buy breakfast and the paper, on a
stiff knee. It lets you choose the way you have
your eggs, your coffee. Then it sits a fisherman
down beside you at the counter who says, Last night,
the channel was full of starfish. And you wonder,
is this a message, finally, or just another day?

Life lets you take the dog for a walk down to the
pond, where whole generations of biological
processes are boiling beneath the mud. Reeds
speak to you of the natural world: they whisper,
they sing. And herons pass by. Are you old
enough to appreciate the moment? Too old?
There is movement beneath the water, but it
may be nothing. There may be nothing going on.

And then life suggests that you remember the
years you ran around, the years you developed
a shocking lifestyle, advocated careless abandon,
owned a chilly heart. Upon reflection, you are
genuinely surprised to find how quiet you have
become. And then life lets you go home to think
about all this. Which you do, for quite a long time.

Later, you wake up beside your old love, the one
who never had any conditions, the one who waited
you out. This is life’s way of letting you know that
you are lucky. (It won’t give you smart or brave,
so you’ll have to settle for lucky.) Because you
were born at a good time. Because you were able
to listen when people spoke to you. Because you
stopped when you should have and started again.

So life lets you have a sandwich, and pie for your
late night dessert. (Pie for the dog, as well.) And
then life sends you back to bed, to dreamland,
while outside, the starfish drift through the channel,
with smiles on their starry faces as they head
out to deep water, to the far and boundless sea.

- Eleanor Lerman