Hey There, New Year.

I’m not so sure I’m ready for you quite yet. But your approach is inevitable. And, so it seems, change also is something you simply can’t deny. Not when there’s much growing up being done in the process. You can call me scared, because I am. I am scared for my future, if it’s any repitition of this past year of my short life. I’d even go so far as to call my 2008 my “dark year”. What with losing my religion. Losing my virginity. Losing my sanity. Losing some friends in that process as well. I summed it all up to seem as though it all means nothing to me. But those four things have sent shockwaves through my system. It’s funny how things have changed so quickly in my own eyes… It’s actually been a rather slow process. I’ve just turned the other cheek and hoped for the best. Never really getting the better end of the stick. I preoccupied my mind with other worries, never getting a hold on my priorities. And now I know where that leaves me. Confused, More Confusion, Questioning my life, Alone. It’s as though I’m beginning to lose my conscience as well. Because I just don’t care anymore. I have been thrown around, used and manipulated, all year long. And I just took it all. I figured this was how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to suffer. It’s what every teenager has on their agenda. 1) Stay past freshman year. 2) Get my heartbroken, and fight my way through it. 3) Lose my virginity, maybe fall in love with that person. 4) Have a lot of blacked out nights under my belt. 5) Get a good group of friends. 6) Ignore that group of friends when I rebel. 7) Graduate. Eventually.Really, all teens are the same. Some just voice their goals and opinions more than others want to. My list is even longer. Most of the tasks have been checked off a while ago. But I still go back, like a broken record, and just repeat the things while the voice in my head is screaming “NO!”. It’s where I’ve learned to become immune to my feelings. Where I learned to bottle it up and “have fun”. But is it really any fun when I am left torn? When I’m left crying myself to sleep over any sudden change in the weather. Slipping in and out of conciousness. Falling deeper into drugs. Again, inevitable. Nothing can stop me. Smoking is the only thing that can really make me feel better. Besides the sex. After eight months of sex, it’s finally beginning to feel real. But I don’t. I know I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready for anything I’ve done. But I can’t stop it now. It’s a nature of habit. Frankly, I’m in no mood to stop.

MY Grown-Up Christmas List

Why is it that I can't listen to anything the little voices in my brain tell me? I am a very strong-minded person. When I put my mind to something, I give in. One hundred-ten percent. There's no way to shake me. So how is it that after I decide to keep him out of my life, he smiles at me, and I falter? Everything is shot to hell. Why, oh why, does it only take one glance in my direction for him to completely secure the hold he has on me? It's really only one swift move, and I'm in his arms. Is it just the yearn of physical contact? I can't honestly believe that it's just my body, settling for anything it can get. Because I am a teenager. And because I have some needs. I can't bring myself to come to that conclusion. I really do believe that it's some mental thing. I've wanted HIM for so long... But even when I rationalize the whole situation. I tell myself that it's not healthy for me to be like this. To submit to what he suggests. I clear a set path in my mind, "Just tell him No." But it never works. Never. Why! I want to see a psychiatrist. I really do. I feel so crazy. Bi-polar, even. So absentminded, to the point of recklessness. I can't constitute an answer to any of my frustrating questions. It's been a constant struggle between my brain and body. I can't just have a careless answer to this. Like the ones I've been giving myself for all this time. I need answers. But I'm just so scared. I don't want to know the truth sometimes with him. I feel better off not knowing... I really am trying to fight this. What my brain is screaming, and what my body is feeling. I'm trying to find some common, middle ground. One place where any of it can make sense. And that's when I fall apart. Because I realize I have already found that place. It's there, when I am resting in his arms.

What's The Big Commotion.

Give my regards to the loveless romantics. My best friends. When will we see we belong in the stars. Dance with me through the solar system. We won't stop until were galaxies away. Far away from any stress. From anybody who tried to prove us wrong. Just take this open hand. Mimicking my hearts ability. We can cruise around the milky way. Watch the rest of them die in sorrow and envy. Intensity burning five times hotter than the sun. We'll turn our backs. Let them burn through the glares and gossip. Take the hand that can shelter you from all the pain. And just go. Nothing in the way. Nothing stopping us from eternal horizons.

Apparantly it's inevitable.

I can't blame her for what she felt. What she felt then, I'm feeling now. And I'm 5 years younger in this process. And I'm not completely blaming her for feeling that way. I just hate the fact that she hasn't gotten over it. That she feels the need to warn me about guys like him. I hate it so much. Because I don't want to have to be doing the same thing. But lately I've realized, it's already happened. And I already promised myself I'd talk to my future daughters about making sure they don't run into the wrong guys. And that I would raise a future son to be the biggest gentlemen any young lady's ever seen. Just because I can't experience it, doesn't mean I can't hope it for the future generations. I need to take this back to the start.

I wish I knew how to quit you.

I've a pretty good idea in my head. But it's just so hard to stop something you've had for a while now.. But I have to. Idk, I just need to get him out of my head, completely. I need to get that drunk conversation we had, out of my head. It meant nothing. Whether he was lying or not, whether he was really sober or if he blacked out. I have to forget it. I know, I can't do anything with him without becoming attached. It's harmful. I fall. So hard. And I feel like I'm destroying myself by being with him. By allowing him to use and abuse me the way he does. It's not healthy! I need someone who will choose me. Be with me. Not invite me over, and be a delinquint with me. It's fun sure. But I fell. I've been falling for a while now. And it's taken me all this time to realize that it's a destructive path I'm running down. And I need to learn how to quit him. Now. Before I fall even harder. Though, I don't know how I could possibly be hurt more than I've been aching in this past year. Shit, I am my mother's daughter. SHIT.

What Was That?

So I'm still trying to decipher last night.. and I don't understand anything.
Sneaking onto the roof of the church. Watching P.S. I Love You. Somewhere in between those drinks he gave me, and what we did.. There was a conversation I'm trying to salvage. But I only remember it in clips and phrases. Looking in to his eyes. That kiss that made me actually stop and think, Wow. That was real. "What would you say if I asked me out?" Something about me loving a guy in uniform. Something about he doesn't want me to wait for him. Something. SOMETHING. I hate tequila. And I need to get my memory back. Now!

Change Comes Quickly.

And I'm not so sure what to make of all of it. I feel like I'm only content when he's my friend. I want him in my life so bad. He's a very good person to talk to. And he's Such a mystery to me. Every time I hang out with him, I learn something new. I have some other epiphany. I'm really left speechless. There's so much more to learn about him, and I like that we can just talk. And I can be there for him. I'm not much of a talker anyways. I don't like really opening up, so I'm content just being there for other people. I'm not sure where this will lead. Where he wants to lead me. Because quite frankly I know he knows how I feel. I've been blindly waiting for him to pull me through the dark. Really, the ball's in his court. And I feel like he just doesn't want me. I know he hooks up with other random girls. But I feel special when I get my alone time with him. I'm not going to hook up with him unless I know for sure I'm the only girl in his life. Since I know that'll never happen, so I'm not going to do anything. I'm going to be there for him. That's that.