It's Over.

Officially. And it's shocking. And I'm horribly upset. And I'm not taking it well. And this all surprises me.
I put so many guys in my life, just guys that I'll mess around with and have fun with. And I'll get hung up on them, just cause I'm used to that. It means nothing to me though. The only person that meant anything to me was Carson. And even then, it was shallow. It was hollow. I just didn't care. Literally. Apathetic. I don't care anymore. But that's why it was so different with Patrick.
He meant something to me. He knew everything about me. He predicted everything I did. He knew. He always knew. He was special to me. He was there for me. I talked to him until the sun rose. I talked to him about everything, anything. We didn't even have to talk. We could just be on the phone listening to a song, or singing to each other. But after 10 months of going in and out, of talking and stopping. Not seeing each other, I guess he got over it. Apparantly he got over it. And left me with a myspace bulletin.
He was different. I'm hurting so much because I put out my vulnerable side, again. The first time was with Carson. And it just sucked. And now. He was different. He was my proof. There was a good guy for me. And I guess I wasn't worth it anymore. I cried for a good half hour. Almost threw up. Then had to take sleeping pills. And even then I wasn't over it. Friday I took xanax in the morning before school. Apparantly I cried first period. Slept second and third. Bawled my eyes out all of lunch. Cried into fifth period. After I was done, I slept. And then was just fucking depressed all the rest of the day. But that didn't stop me from hooking up with Carson at the boat ramp. Then Emily took me out for dinner. Watched Wall-E and slept over at her house. I still was fucking down in the dumps. I didn't think him ending things would hurt me so hard. But it hurt. Hard. And it still hurts.
After all the shit I've been through. With guys using me, guys abusing me, and taking advantage of me. This was a different kind of guy. I knew it from the start. I just didn't know how to treat him. And I put so much effort into it, because I really wanted to be with him. But I was still messed up. I'd still go back to those old guys. But Patrick stayed by me..
I thought he would stay forever.
But I changed my ways. I stopped smoking and drinking. I was only talking to him. But after that. It was like pushing me over the deep end. He was my reason to smile. Everyone knew it. I always talked about him. He knew all the right words. Even if he did write them in spanish. I liked that. But now. I literally don't have any reason to genuinely smile. And it sucks. And I don't like life anymore. And I just want this year to be over with. I want me to be over with.