Hey There, New Year.

I’m not so sure I’m ready for you quite yet. But your approach is inevitable. And, so it seems, change also is something you simply can’t deny. Not when there’s much growing up being done in the process. You can call me scared, because I am. I am scared for my future, if it’s any repitition of this past year of my short life. I’d even go so far as to call my 2008 my “dark year”. What with losing my religion. Losing my virginity. Losing my sanity. Losing some friends in that process as well. I summed it all up to seem as though it all means nothing to me. But those four things have sent shockwaves through my system. It’s funny how things have changed so quickly in my own eyes… It’s actually been a rather slow process. I’ve just turned the other cheek and hoped for the best. Never really getting the better end of the stick. I preoccupied my mind with other worries, never getting a hold on my priorities. And now I know where that leaves me. Confused, More Confusion, Questioning my life, Alone. It’s as though I’m beginning to lose my conscience as well. Because I just don’t care anymore. I have been thrown around, used and manipulated, all year long. And I just took it all. I figured this was how it was supposed to be. I was supposed to suffer. It’s what every teenager has on their agenda. 1) Stay past freshman year. 2) Get my heartbroken, and fight my way through it. 3) Lose my virginity, maybe fall in love with that person. 4) Have a lot of blacked out nights under my belt. 5) Get a good group of friends. 6) Ignore that group of friends when I rebel. 7) Graduate. Eventually.Really, all teens are the same. Some just voice their goals and opinions more than others want to. My list is even longer. Most of the tasks have been checked off a while ago. But I still go back, like a broken record, and just repeat the things while the voice in my head is screaming “NO!”. It’s where I’ve learned to become immune to my feelings. Where I learned to bottle it up and “have fun”. But is it really any fun when I am left torn? When I’m left crying myself to sleep over any sudden change in the weather. Slipping in and out of conciousness. Falling deeper into drugs. Again, inevitable. Nothing can stop me. Smoking is the only thing that can really make me feel better. Besides the sex. After eight months of sex, it’s finally beginning to feel real. But I don’t. I know I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready for anything I’ve done. But I can’t stop it now. It’s a nature of habit. Frankly, I’m in no mood to stop.