MY Grown-Up Christmas List

Why is it that I can't listen to anything the little voices in my brain tell me? I am a very strong-minded person. When I put my mind to something, I give in. One hundred-ten percent. There's no way to shake me. So how is it that after I decide to keep him out of my life, he smiles at me, and I falter? Everything is shot to hell. Why, oh why, does it only take one glance in my direction for him to completely secure the hold he has on me? It's really only one swift move, and I'm in his arms. Is it just the yearn of physical contact? I can't honestly believe that it's just my body, settling for anything it can get. Because I am a teenager. And because I have some needs. I can't bring myself to come to that conclusion. I really do believe that it's some mental thing. I've wanted HIM for so long... But even when I rationalize the whole situation. I tell myself that it's not healthy for me to be like this. To submit to what he suggests. I clear a set path in my mind, "Just tell him No." But it never works. Never. Why! I want to see a psychiatrist. I really do. I feel so crazy. Bi-polar, even. So absentminded, to the point of recklessness. I can't constitute an answer to any of my frustrating questions. It's been a constant struggle between my brain and body. I can't just have a careless answer to this. Like the ones I've been giving myself for all this time. I need answers. But I'm just so scared. I don't want to know the truth sometimes with him. I feel better off not knowing... I really am trying to fight this. What my brain is screaming, and what my body is feeling. I'm trying to find some common, middle ground. One place where any of it can make sense. And that's when I fall apart. Because I realize I have already found that place. It's there, when I am resting in his arms.